I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Boobs are out for the taking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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