I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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