It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
