take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
