Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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