Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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