Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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