I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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