High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
