I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
