I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
