hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
