I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
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Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
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So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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