this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
