My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
