That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i believe in u and ur pee
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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