it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm at about main and main street
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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