well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
