i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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