I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens