he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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