i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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