my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
