you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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