I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
