You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
if only i could text you this smell
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
