OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
