do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
