turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
