She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
