Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
