I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
