had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
