You're my little dorito
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
