I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
