I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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