i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
