I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
