OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
