We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
