I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He felt like a one man threesome
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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