Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm passing your future prison.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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