he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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