I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
