I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
