four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
