Where is the hickey?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
