Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
