I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
