Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?