Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
