ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
