I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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