I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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