First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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