Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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