Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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