We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
