i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
