I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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