is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
