i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
